Why Farts Are Awesome
People are too uptight. Or maybe people just don’t realize how funny farting actually is. And by people, I mean the feminine half of the population. The difference in opinion between the sexes on the humorous value of a good fart is one of the most telling signs that men are far more evolved than women. Or at least have a better sense of humor. Dammit, farts are funny. So what brought this on, you ask? Well today at work, I had to fart. So naturally I ran over to where one of my coworkers was standing, lifted my leg, scrunched my face up, and let ‘er rip. Apparently, that was rude.
Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuse me. After I farted on my coworker, every single male working starting laughing their asses off, and the females looked at me as if I’d just committed the most heinous crime one can commit. The manager tried to keep the peace by politely asking me to not fart on people, but it was one of those times where you’re trying to tell somebody not to do something, yet you just can’t stop laughing. I was forced to admit that farting on someone is rude. Yeah, so? It’s also very freakin hilarious.
We do it to each other all the time, well, the guys anyway. We’ll run over to each other’s workstations, rip one off, then run away laughing as the other person covers their nose. Then an hour later they’ll get us back. And you know what? It’s damn funny too. So of course when I farted on my coworker people asked me if I would think it’s funny if someone farted on me. Not especially, but it would be damn funny to them, and if they did it to me and didn’t laugh, I’d kick their ass. Of course it isn’t funny if you’re on the receiving end, but it’s comedic gold if you deliver a well-timed stinker to a friend.
The humor value of a fart is judged by the level of humor in the eyes of the farter and the third-party audience, if applicable. The fartee’s perspective doesn’t count. That’s the whole point of getting a good laugh at the expense of others. I don’t mind if people get a laugh at my expense. It’s the rules of the game, you live by the sword and die by the sword. I can take a fart from someone else, but you can bet your ass I’ll be delivering one with your name on it. You see, if God didn’t want people to fart on each other, he wouldn’t have made it so funny.
God wants us to fart in the funniest manner possible. Usually that involves assaulting the nasal passages of your fellow man. Farting is just funny. I mean think about it, it stinks, it makes a funny noise, and it comes out of your ass, how could it possibly get any funnier than that? As a matter of fact, I challenge you to name five things in life that are funnier than nailing somebody else with a big stinky fart. I don’t think it’s possible. To help all of you appreciate the art of farting a little more, I have taken the liberty of coming up with a few farting tips from a farting pro.
If possible, make certain someone else gets the pleasure of smelling your fart. A fart nobody else smells or hears is an opportunity wasted and lost forever. If you have to fart and you’re standing next to someone, bend your ass and “aim” toward them. This doesn’t really make it any smellier for them, but it adds dramatic effect and makes the experience funnier. If you have to fart, and nobody is standing right next to you, hunt someone down, then lift your leg, scrunch up your face, and let it go.
For bonus points, try to corner someone and then fart on them. Also for bonus, get down on your knees as though you’re looking for something on the ground. Ask for help. As soon as the good samaritan gets on their knees to help you, quickly move your ass right up next to their face and let go. When someone is giving their opinion and you have to fart, say “You know what I think about that? ” and then scrunch up your face and fart. When you have to fart and someone is walking in your direction, hold the fart until the are directly behind you, then release.
If you’re sitting down when you fart, lift the ass cheek facing the person nearest to you, that way they get the full effect. Upon completion of the fart, say “aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”, as though you’ve just taken an eleven-pound shit. Quickly claim the fart as your own handiwork, especially to those who didn’t hear it. If you don’t tell them, they may never know you just farted. Raise your arms over your head as though you’ve just won the World Heavyweight Title in front of thousands of people. Announce what it was that made you fart. Make sure to use lots of description.
Rather than say “I need to stop eating so much Mexican food”, say “God damn, those three bean burritos went right through me, I’ll be lucky if I don’t get diarrhea. ” Describe to all around you how the fart felt as it came out. For example, was it a wet one? A cheek burner? Did you feel like a giant gas bubble in your stomach popped with the fart’s release? Do you need to go to the restroom just to make sure a little feces didn’t escape as well? Rate the fart. Unless it was a dud, in which case you shouldn’t have done all the buildup. But if it was a good one, talk about what a great fart it was and how you wish you’d had a video camera.
