How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse
How to survive a zombie apocalypse Zombies, do they exist? Can there be actual zombies roaming around on the streets, ready to make anyone and everyone who comes in sight a zombie? Well, Hollywood thinks so. The reason I’m basing this theory of ‘can zombies be real’ or the fact that zombies can one day roam amongst us (eventually destroying mankind), is because they are the biggest influence in our lives. Don’t believe me? Then I guess the long list of zombie movies might help you change your perspective.
Their ideology of assuring us into believing that the concept of ‘zombies’ or ‘zombie apocalypse is real’ is quite believable. And movies like Resident Evil, Dawn of the Dead, and 28 Days Later are perfect examples of such an event. Each of these movies has groups of people who are trying to get to a safe place, away from all these zombies. But there isn’t any guide or rules that they can follow while they’re on this road to freedom. It’s just one step at a time (and some of them get eaten in the process as well). So, there should be a guide which tells them how to survive if such an apocalypse ever occurred.
In order to get infected by a zombie, you need to be bitten, or bite one of them, although I have no idea why you would ever want to. The saliva and blood of a zombie have the potential to infect a person and eventually turn them, so keep your mouth shut if you’re the stupid one using a chainsaw. To be honest I prefer a good old fashioned flamethrower to burn those zombies where they stand. How about an idea; perhaps someone can read this article (a movie director) and magically keeps a few copies of it in the movie for the actors to find. Alright, alright, that was not a good joke.
So let’s move past that and get a bit serious. But before we do get to the specific rules to keep yourself safe from a zombie apocalypse, I’d like to divert your attention to yet another movie, Zombieland (by the way, I think it’s one of the best zombie movies of all time), It’s funny, intelligently made, and the cast is small, but perfect. If you have seen the movie, then you’ll find some of those rules implemented here as well. And if you didn’t get the opportunity to watch this classic movie, then may I suggest, please do so. And with that small note, we will proceed towards our golden rules to survive a zombie apocalypse.
What is a zombie? There are multiple definitions of the word zombie. The dictionary defines zombie as “an animated corpse that feeds on living flesh. ” Other sources define zombie as “One who moves or acts as if in a daze” or “a member of Congress” or “a Voodoo snake god. ” While snake gods are interesting, this how-to article will deal with only the first and second definitions of zombie. While Chavs were once thought to be zombies it has been recently proven that it is not the case. It would be an insult to zombies if they were even contemplated to be in the same category as Chavs.
Such contemplators were subsequently eaten. Types of zombies There are twelve types of zombies. They will be listed with a little fact about them: 1. Horde zombies are dangerous to combat effectively. They require much more potent weaponry to approach with confidence, but are easier to flee and avoid. 2. Grue Zombies, grues who have (somehow) died and became zombies. There is really no way to kill grue zombies unless you have Chuck Norris or can successfully pull off the shoop da whoop. 3. Camper zombies, zombies who hide and wait for prey, are the other common type.
Campers hide in darkened corridors, side rooms, and even in the drywall. They prefer to wait for their prey to come near and then burst out and seize the victim. 4. Fast Zombies are some of your most dreaded enemies when facing legions of the undead. Fast Zombies can vary in many ways, but the main item is that their entire physique (i. e. rotting of fat, skin, veins, and organs. ) is morphed to allow them to strike fast. The majority of fast zombies have been found to have been overzealous gym instructors and annoying co-workers who won’t let go of the “Can do attitude” even post-mortem. 5.
Elvis Impersonator Zombies These are usually the rarest, if not the most entertaining variety of undead you may encounter. They can be easily identified by their signature hairdo, glittery suits, and trademark lurching walk which they plagiarized from Elvis. This isn’t really even a walk, since they don’t actually get anywhere. 6. When you know a Smart Zombie is around, the best thing you can do is avoid him at all costs. Smart Zombies have the ability to set up and carry out plans. 7. Sewer Zombies like to spend all their time in sewers and in drain areas, they are afraid of light so taking a flashlight is a good idea.
A better idea is to just avoid sewers. 8. Lady Zombies are exactly what they sound like. Every necrophilia’s nightmare, they are girl zombies. But surprisingly, they’re not that different from the live ones, they still moan and groan about the men never taking them anywhere. 9. The Zombie….. Chuck Norris!!! , this is the most dangerous zombie ever. Some of the zombie abilities he is theorized to possess include infecting people by burping on them; complete cellular regeneration (means he can’t be killed. Ever. ) 10. Animal Zombies Depend on your luck. A zombie snail is most common but they’re totally harmless.
Other kind of animal zombies do exist. Some of these are “dog” zombies. If a zombie gets to be this big, then it’s lethal. However, since much of its muscle has degraded by then, it won’t be able to catch you. (THANK GOD!!! ) If a CHEETAH zombie attacks you, even without its degraded muscle, then you’re screwed. 11. Peanut zombies’ A. K. A. The Terrors of the junkyard, these vermicious brutes wander the junkyards, in poorly built helies, or controlling guns. Avoid these brutes; they have a leader, Project #295. He has two dual glocks, and is not afraid to use it. beware the ultimate power. 12.
Ninja/Samurai/Genghis Khan Zombies Once feared and respected warriors of Japan; the zombie infection has made them some of the most terrifying zombies to invade your country. All have high level martial arts skills and requires extreme weapon tactics to wipe out; if using hand-to-hand combat, the chances are you will not survive. Certain firearms to have Everybody needs a weapon so here are the top ten: 1. Chainsaw- Most of all Resident Evil or horror films and countless Hollywood scenes show the awesome power of the chainsaw. As cool as it is though, it ranks very low on the practical zombie-killing weapon list. . Lawn Mower- All the same problems as Chainsaw, with even greater problems. You know how hard one of those things are to lift, let alone to a position that the blades can even do their work. Also, it is not made to be lifted up into the air, so even if you can lift the mower, it will not stay up there for long. It might of looked cool in Brain Dead, it will never work. 3. Slingshot- It wouldn’t be the wisest of choices. Using it against a zombie will only alert it to your presence, stupid. Unless you throw a bomb with it. 4. Edged Weapons- Imagine using a sword to kill a crowd of zombies nd you stab some zombie through the skull in the brain. Now imagine you turn to the zombie behind you to do the same, only to realize that it’s stuck on the first zombie that you stabbed and you can’t seem to get it back……. not a pretty picture, is it? So use one without a serrated edge. Unless you are a skilled fencer, this is an inadvisable choice. 5. Rubber Ducky- …. not sure if that is the best idea, but just remember it’s your funeral JOINING THE LEGIONS OF THE UNDEAD. So if you REALLY want to use it and see what happens, by all means go ahead (dumbass).
If you are dumb smart enough to do this, make sure you have a friend tape it and stick it up on YouTube, you will get more hits than Achmed the Dead Terrorist, easy. 6. Mop If there are no other blunt weapons available, you can always run to that janitorial closet(provided you didn’t stuff zombies in there earlier) and take out a Long, Wooden, MOP! Only to be used against 5-6 zombies, otherwise the long and heavy mop may sort of, backfire on you. 7. Weed Whacker- Insert into the mouth and let the fun begin (not usable for groups, will become the zombie’s “fun”)! 8.
Large Minigun: will kill a lot of zombies, and is fun! Though whoever is using it will die just as his buddies got to relative safety. 9. Shotgun: The second best weapon for zombies, there buck shots will blow off the heads of several zombies, the person who is carrying a shotgun will survive most zombie outbreaks. 10. Pistol: short range, small clip, small bullet, only use on small groups, otherwise you are dead (or undead). Guide on Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse If we happen to be caught up in the world-ending zombie plague, then it wouldn’t hurt for us all to have a certain ‘how-to’ list with us, right?
There can be tons of rules to survive a zombie apocalypse as every one of us has a different way to tackling situations. And since I’ve never been in this type of position before (thank God), I will be listing rules that I feel are ideal. So here are my top rules on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. 1. Run 2. Run even faster 3. Run faster than that guy next to you 4. Trip the guy next to you 5. Don’t let the spazzy woman try and get her dog back 6. Shoot people randomly 7. Drive to Alaska (Zombies will freeze into corpsicles, delicious AND nutritious! , but get there fast, the roads will be too congested and if you’re too slow… It’ll only be a tasty flesh bottleneck 8. Go out to sea (zombies can’t swim, but it’s fun to see them try. Warning:Peanut Zombies know how to swim, so run) 9. Sacrifice Ms. Barbra, the old lady across the street (no one liked her anyways. ) 10. Don’t fall asleep in the open 11. If surrounded, just distract them with a classy dance (Warning: May cause: Zombification, Death, Death, and more Death. ) 12. Always find the nearest gun and ammo Shop, and always trade at least a 10,12, or 20 gauge shotguns, one hit kills 13.
Notice that we said trade. Not even think about break into the shop, the shop keeper is always good with gun and you won’t stand a chance. Hell, he’s most likely the boss in that area with several goons, each carries gun bigger than yours. 14. Don’t, for even one second think that you are safe. 15. You need 1 shot in their heads to kill them. So keep a few shotguns with you. 16. If you’re in the house, board up the windows and doors properly. 17. Fill as many containers as you possibly can with water. 18. Keep food supplies and other essentials. 19.
Along with guns, gather anything that can smash skulls; keep them handy. 20. Find a safe place for you, your friends, and family members. 21. Before sunset, find a secured location to sleep. 22. Always keep your travel bags light; less weight to carry means more easily to flee. 23. Do not harbor people who have been attacked or bitten by zombies. 24. Always wear comfortable clothing. Avoid movie-like wardrobe. 25. Wear as many layers as you can reasonably get away with. Have a trusted friend try to bite or claw their way through your wardrobe to test fabric strengths ahead of time. 6. We do want to survive so ladies no high heels, and fellas no saggin pants. 27. Have a first aid kit with you in the house and in your getaway car. 28. While traveling, DO NOT go in the woods or lonely areas. 29. If you’re trying to stop the zombies from entering in the building, please don’t try to hold the door. 30. Don’t go anywhere alone. Follow the buddy system. But if you’re the only human left, then I guess you’re on your own. 31. Learn the zombie dance from Thriller. Because what if the zombies dance? And what is the difference between surviving and not dancing with them? 2. Guys we know you want to impress your girl, but please follow rule 33. If you want to impress her just keep her safe and stay alive yourself. 33. And our final golden rule: DON’T BE A HERO AND GO OUT IN SEARCH OF ZOMBIES TO KILL. Zombies are slow who drag their feet as they walk. As they’ve lost control over their brain or the brain doesn’t function properly, they are not very intelligent. But you are. So take necessary precautions before you go out there and try really hard to make it. Living in an undead world can be tough. So perhaps these rules can make existing less scary.
