As anger overpowered me

Despondency overpowered me when I learnt that my final annual assessment has been forwarded to higher management with a pessimistic note on my performance.

When I investigated the matter to locate the factors responsible for such a poor appraisal of my performance, I learnt that my time management skills were badly reported.

This changed my earlier feeling of despondency and dejection into anger as all the charges labeled against me were based on misconceived notion and falsehood. As anger overpowered me, all my mental faculties were subjugated to it. I use to cherish my behavioral competency of self-awareness[1] because I used to apply this competency to find remedies.

But in that incident the feeling of anger was so powerful and pervasive that I even forgot this ability of mine. So, instead of locating an appropriate way to find out a proper solution to this dilemma, I started nurturing anger against my line-manager.

But this period of anger was transitory as when I read the remarks of line manager and started contemplating on the issue, I came to realize that actually my first perception of time management was wrong. Previously I was of the view that time management included coming to office on time and completing the prescribed daily hours.

This raised ecstasy in me to know more about the true meaning of time-management. My inquisitive and curious nature further motivated my ecstatic emotions. My reflections on this particular issue suggested that time management comprised of effective utilization of time according to the task and precedence.

When I looked around on my other colleagues, a feeling of superiority crept down into my mind. The reason for this feeling of superiority was that how quickly learnt about my mistake and had utilized my learning and thinking capacity to learn new aspects of time-management within minutes.

Second reason for this superior feeling was that unlike them, I did not retaliate at my line-manager with false accusation of prejudice. Although I had that feeling in me but I further thought my ego will not permit me to acknowledge my mistake.

I started thinking to pacify my egoistic emotion or to redirect them toward a positive direction. This helped me greatly as I thought a bad performance assessment will ruin the pride I take in my work and job.

 So I forwarded an e-mail to my line-manager to forward an explanation on my performance assessment. I further asked to understand the proper context and situation. I received no reply from him. Anger again overpowered and I reverted back to my past emotions of anger and jealousy.

I thought that he was consciously disregarding my e-mail. I called on his extension but he did not pick it up either ( I was later told by my lead-manager that he was busy.) This converted my anger into fury.

But after half an hour I received a call from him for a meeting. This cheered me up again. I had meeting with during which there was I explained my position to him fully an addition to displaying strong emotions. My justification bore fruit and he decided in favor of me.

Later on an emotion of thankfulness overshadowed all the previous emotions and feelings and I felt myself obliged to my line-manager in true sense of the words. I never thought for a moment that I had hundred thousands of malicious feelings about this person just some hours ago. I was only an epitome of gratitude. When I reflect back now, I wonder how these paradoxical feelings existed at the same time.

The last set of emotions was related to different aspects and intensity of happiness. I was happy over my success in making my line-manager recognizing strengths and ignore my weaknesses. I was happy over my recognition of true concept of time-management.

I was completely overjoyed by the decision of line manager to forward an-email to chief executive about awarding me the exceptional rating.

[1] Self-awareness is an understanding of your own emotions and ‘triggers’ and how they impact on your own behavior and/or the behavior of others.  It is also about understanding your own strengths and limitations.